It is hard to believe that one year ago, I was technically still pregnant with Laine Chapman. Two days later, my body would recognize that Laine's heart had stopped beating and began the process of miscarriage.
Boy that week was rough... I had just lost our second child, had to cancel on hosting my sister's bachelorette party and started navigating what it meant to never have the opportunity to meet (on earth) this little life that was growing inside of me. When we found out we were pregnant with Laine, I never for one minute thought that it would end so quickly. Sure I have had friends go through this ahead of me but never thought it would happen to us. The timing was all so perfect! We were going to have our 2nd child within days of Lyndi's second birthday.
Because Landon and I got cleared to start trying for Baby L #3 after my body healed and were blessed to get pregnant on our first cycle, we never really had time to process what it meant to be pregnant with another child while at the same time grieving the loss of our second. This has been difficult to navigate because we want to in every way acknowledge that Lawson is actually our third child and not second. We have Laine waiting on us in Heaven!
This has been difficult because deep down I know that people aren't trying to be rude or mean but it is really hard for me to hear people say that Lawson is our second child or I only have two children. When circumstances allow me to comment, I will. But most of the time I just allow it to pass because I don't want to make anyone feel bad for me or to think I am crazy because they have never been through it and don't understand what it is like to lose a child you never met. On the inside though, I just want to scream that I have 3 children and just because you won't meet Laine on Earth doesn't mean he/she doesn't exist.
During this last year, it has been easy to allow my mind to travel to "what might have been" if Laine was living with us on Earth...
Laine Chapman would be around 4 months (I had been thinking 16 months until a sweet friend I had my math wrong)
... rolling over
... babbling
... sleeping through the night
... going to the park
... playing outside
... eating meals as a family of four (well five - Tank included!)
... taking baths with Lyndi
... going to the splash park
... enjoying life together even on the rough days
I often find myself wondering...
Would you be a boy or a girl?
Who would you look like?
Would your personality be like mommy or daddy's?
How would you and Lyndon get along?
What would your favorite activities be?
What would your favorite foods be?
But all of those things were not meant to be. We will have to wait to find out the answers to the questions that spin around in my head late at night.
And even though part of me is okay with the anticipation of finding out, part of me still wishes you were here with us. Part of me wishes that you didn't leave us so soon. Part of me wishes that we could have all three of our precious children under one roof as a family of five while at the same time recognizing that I wouldn't have Lawson if Laine was here. But what might have been was not meant to be and I know you are thrilled to be in Heaven.
Boy that week was rough... I had just lost our second child, had to cancel on hosting my sister's bachelorette party and started navigating what it meant to never have the opportunity to meet (on earth) this little life that was growing inside of me. When we found out we were pregnant with Laine, I never for one minute thought that it would end so quickly. Sure I have had friends go through this ahead of me but never thought it would happen to us. The timing was all so perfect! We were going to have our 2nd child within days of Lyndi's second birthday.
Because Landon and I got cleared to start trying for Baby L #3 after my body healed and were blessed to get pregnant on our first cycle, we never really had time to process what it meant to be pregnant with another child while at the same time grieving the loss of our second. This has been difficult to navigate because we want to in every way acknowledge that Lawson is actually our third child and not second. We have Laine waiting on us in Heaven!
This has been difficult because deep down I know that people aren't trying to be rude or mean but it is really hard for me to hear people say that Lawson is our second child or I only have two children. When circumstances allow me to comment, I will. But most of the time I just allow it to pass because I don't want to make anyone feel bad for me or to think I am crazy because they have never been through it and don't understand what it is like to lose a child you never met. On the inside though, I just want to scream that I have 3 children and just because you won't meet Laine on Earth doesn't mean he/she doesn't exist.
During this last year, it has been easy to allow my mind to travel to "what might have been" if Laine was living with us on Earth...
Laine Chapman would be around 4 months (I had been thinking 16 months until a sweet friend I had my math wrong)
... rolling over
... babbling
... sleeping through the night
... going to the park
... playing outside
... eating meals as a family of four (well five - Tank included!)
... taking baths with Lyndi
... going to the splash park
... enjoying life together even on the rough days
I often find myself wondering...
Would you be a boy or a girl?
Who would you look like?
Would your personality be like mommy or daddy's?
How would you and Lyndon get along?
What would your favorite activities be?
What would your favorite foods be?
But all of those things were not meant to be. We will have to wait to find out the answers to the questions that spin around in my head late at night.
And even though part of me is okay with the anticipation of finding out, part of me still wishes you were here with us. Part of me wishes that you didn't leave us so soon. Part of me wishes that we could have all three of our precious children under one roof as a family of five while at the same time recognizing that I wouldn't have Lawson if Laine was here. But what might have been was not meant to be and I know you are thrilled to be in Heaven.
Happy 1st Heaven Anniversary! We love you Laine Chapman Ludwick!
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| To remember Laine - we planted some new flowers next to his/her garden this year! |
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| And a cookie cake! Happy Heaven Day Laine! |
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